(Rant post incoming. Y’all’ve been warned.)
I’m so fucking tired of it. So. Fucking. Tired. Are metaphysics and the occult the same thing? Maybe. I don’t believe so. To me, the occult is more in the realm of witchcraft and dealings with demons/Satan. Metaphysics is a big-ass umbrella for everything supernatural/paranormal. That’s how I see it.
Apparently my dad firmly disagrees. To him, it’s either pure good (God) or pure evil (Satan). As someone who might as well be a Lokean without feeling comfortable enough to admit it to herself yet (getting there, though..), I find numerous problems with this, and have even before I stumbled upon Loki and got hopelessly hooked (something I have no issue with at all). There is a middle ground. There’s LOTS of middle ground and grey-zones. Yes, there’s good, and yes, there’s evil, but there’s so. Much. More. And to be told to run from the metaphysical because “I don’t know what I’m messing with” (and I don’t quite yet, but I do know that it’s not all hellfire and brimstone and evil, and I’m not going to dive right into things I don’t know about without learning first), or because he thought I was “smarter than this” or “better than this” or “more intellectually honest than this” is really grating my last nerve.
And using my mother as a guilt trip. I swear, I almost snapped. I sit quietly and I take it because I’m not yet ready nor prepared to get back in his face about it. But don’t you fucking DARE use my mother as a guilt trip against me. I realize I’m worrying her, I realize she’s afraid. Do I feel bad for worrying her? Yes, of course. I’m not an insensitive prick who doesn’t give two shits about others. But is that going to stop me from pursuing my path? No, because my faith is just that. MINE. Not yours, not hers, not anyone else’s but mine. And to say, even in general, that the reason you and she argue so often is because she’s so constantly anxious about me… HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. Don’t you dare try to guilt trip me or make me ashamed of my path or my curiosities using my own mother!
If you don’t want me using your gas money to go to a metaphysical class, fine. You can say that and leave it at that. I’ll find another way to get there. But don’t you dare insult my intelligence or my choices with those thinly disguised words, and don’t you dare use my own family against me, because I guarantee you it will only make me angrier.
And yet, I’m not going to say anything. I’m going to bide my time, because I feel that’s the best option right now. I’d only make a fool of myself trying to explain what I’m still learning, and that’s a perfect opportunity for more discussions I don’t want. I want to learn more about Loki, and I will. If he doesn’t like hanging around my house, I can’t say I blame him, because it’s just so… ugh. -I- don’t like it because it’s so stifling. I’ll learn more, and perhaps in time, he’ll guide me and give me the right words to say. Or he’ll give me the sense to keep quiet until the time is right. I do trust him. I’m learning to, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult on my end (he’s done nothing as of yet to make me distrust him.. I’m just nervous). But I do trust him. I will trust him.
But if anyone out there has any advice for how to deal with a situation like this, I would certainly love any and all input. I’m 20 years old, saving up to move out after I graduate college, and I live at home presently. I’m a queer, liberal pagan living in a house of conservative Christians. Any advice is much appreciated.
…Okay, I think I’m done.